I am sitting next to the lake. I have been holding this orb of light in my hands for over two hours now and I cannot depart one seconds time of my gaze from its unparalleled beauty.
I found it
I found it in the dark
I found it in the place where no one ever looks
I found it when I was not even longing for it
I sit on this cold rock and my feet sink ever so slightly into the silty muck of the lakeshore; the muck oozes through my toes like it did in my youth. The house is far away to the east and the rest of my family sleeps soundly in their beds knowing the joy, pain, love and reverence that they live out everyday.
I am not worried about anything. It’s almost as if I have never worried about anything in my whole life. The water is as still as the spirit within me. Then, without one sound or rustling there is a fox at my side. His name is Pure and he talks quietly to me about staying calm and remembering what love means and how this will all end for some but that for me this is only the blink of the beginning. He tells me about staying on the good road and about remembering rules that are coated in gold.
Pure has a very thick coat and his tail seems to exude light from its end. His voice is like a warm cloak that sets itself upon the hearts of men. He speaks very slowly and very quietly and as I stare at the orb I strain to catch every last letter that is dripped from his mouth. And then as if he were never there I am alone again there on the rock with my toes sinking in the silt.
No paw prints
No fur on the mud
No smell of canine or fox or whatever it is that they are
Time has past but how much I am not sure
It’s then that the orb, Whale I will call it, begins to change color. I wish with the fullness of my whole being that I could in some form or fashion describe to you these colors. But, I do not know their names or their hews or their origins and my mind is not large enough or wide enough to capture them fully and because of this I apologize.
Whale shows me things
Whale turns memories into lessons
Whale loves me so he scolds me
Whale makes a char filled brain clean and clear
Whale showed me all of his colors and shapes and then inside of him I began to see them. They danced around and were all connected and were all made of the colors that Whale had been showing me. There was no sound but I could still hear them singing and stomping their feet and slapping their thighs. Whale never spoke but I could feel his words on my heart like stickers on a binder. They were there to stay; they were never going to be taken away.
They clung but not a needy way
They wanted to be there
I wanted them there more than they wanted to be there
I am not sure if this is true
Whale dimmed and those that were in him went away and the colors reverted back to white and everything in my head got still and quiet again. My inability to divert my gaze was cut and my head jerked back and my eyes rolled in their sockets and my face rushed with blood. I think it has been ten minutes. The air still feels the same and the stars seem to be in the same places they were before. The moon still low in the east.
The orb sat cradled in the silt of the lakes shore and inside it was what seemed to be a low burning candle. The flame was low and it flickered and it did not give off much light but for some reason I do not feel like Whale will ever go out. Ever. Never. Ever.
I sat up and the wet shirt on my back clung to my skin and my body is cool and I feel relaxed and very tired. I look out on the lake and I see a figure on the other side. It is large and roundish in the center and it saunters in big lumbering steps from side to side. It takes me a few moments to realize but the figure in walking the edge of the shore and is coming towards me. He’s huge.
He?
Is it a male?
Yes, He.
He.
I stare up at him even while standing. But not just up, ninety-degree angle up. The kind of up that people talk about when they are referring to skyscrapers. He is an enormous bear. He’s not a bear that I have ever seen nor is he one that I can affiliate with species that I have seen on the television or in books. His fur is flowing but thick and rough like straw. His paws remind me of large mitts of leather and knives. Hit snout and teeth deserve respect.
He stares out over the lake and over the land and up at the stars and at the moon and he sniffs loudly and he blinks frequently. At this point I am unsure as to whether or not he knows I am even there. But then he speaks.
“Quite the evening I must say.”
His voice is so deep that I can feel my ear drums vibrate and rattle. My heart murmurs and stops for a split second and my breath is knocked out of me and I go blind. Then I blink and I can see again. My eyes water and everything is silhouetted and the hair on the back of my neck rises and falls.
“Do you not think so?”
I am still catching my breath and try to push out a yes to his face that towers above me. This bear speaks very slowly and lingers and meditates on every word that is spoken.
He seems brilliant
He seems to know a lot about things that I don’t
He seems to eat well
His voice reverses the invention of fear
“Bagells the name.”
I am unsure as to what the next move is. I keep exchanging glances between Mr. Bagell and the stars that sit atop his head. Brilliance sat atop his shoulders.
“Do you know Whale?
I ask it like a child. I ask it as though his answer may or may not complete my life. His face twists and his eyes wonder and he scratches under his chin and picks me up and places me on his shoulder.
“Walking is a good way to spend a conversation.”
I didn’t agree or disagree. The drop from his shoulders was easily twenty feet. I was along for the ride. His fur was very comfortable though so I am fine with it and we walked along the side of the lake.
“I know Whale. Have you met Fox? I love Fox.”
I say, “Yes, I met Fox in the silty mud.”
“Fox is very quiet. Fox speaks for me most of the time.” Mr. Begell says.
All of this seems very vague and simple. I want to know if this bear knows Whale and if he does what is Whale? Who is Fox? Why am I not in bed?
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